Oh, man, is that Brody Jenner a smooth operator.
No wonder he can date any reality star he wants. No wonder he went - as Lauren recapped on Monday on The Hills, and we reported a while back - straight from Kristin Cavallari to Nicole Richie.
You can see why. When a guy with the big brown puppy-dog eyes is insisting that "you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen," well, you want to believe him enough that you do. At least a little.
This is The Hills, after all.
At any rate, that two-timing game his pal Spencer ran on Heidi Montag and LC's pal Audrina continued to wreak havoc for the third straight week. If this dude looked half as good as Brody, it might make sense. But let's face it, he's no prize.
Audrina's characterization was all too fitting.
"He's a dirtbag," she told her friend at work. "[Heidi] is obviously just getting played."
The played one, however, was having none of it. She refused to invite Audrina to her big birthday shindig, for which she, incidentally, wore a black tutu, a barely existent halter top, and a crown.
"I'm an American princess," Heidi cooed, thus erasing any trace of sympathy we might have for her in this love-triangle situation.
Audrina broke protocol by not only showing up at the party uninvited but also confronting Heidi about their tiff in a calm, rational manner.
Naturally, that could only end up one way: with Heidi blowing her off, some random friend named Jen chastising her further, and her leaving in tears.
Brody and Lauren Conrad, meanwhile, played down any interest they might have in dating each other.
"Lauren is so your style," Spencer said to Brody, who replied, "I just got out of a relationship like a week ago."
Across the room, Lauren - still reeling from her breakup with Jason Wahler - was saying to Heidi, "I'm so not ready... I do not want to date anyone."
Instead, Lauren took on some diplomatic duties and attempted to negotiate peace over lunch with Audrina the next day (dragging poor Whitney along as a human shield). But the result was awkward silence punctuated by Audrina's occasional explanations of her behavior at Heidi's birthday. Later, we get the scoop from Lauren and Heidi:
Heidi Montag: What's gonna happen if you see her out?
Lauren Conrad: I'll say hi like anyone else.
Heidi Montag: But it's a mutual thing?
Lauren Conrad: Yeah.
Well, then. That settles that.
Surprisingly, Spencer voiced our feelings on the subject most succinctly when, somehow, our fearless double-daters showed up at the same club as Audrina.
"It's like, who cares?" he said.
Brody, for one, wasn't caring a bit â€" he'd cornered Lauren and was plowing straight through his list of painfully sincere lines.
"I like you," he said. "I want to hang out with you."
Suddenly, Heidi was saying, "Where'd Lauren and Brody go" and we're taken to Brody's sweet condo. And what was he saying? What else?
"There is nowhere else I wanna be right now," he said, going in for the kiss.
To Lauren's credit, she did the smart-girl thing and called him out.
"You're a cheeseball," she replied, but did add, "I love seeing you smile."