Tori Spelling to Write Most Boring Memoir of All-Time

It's not enough for Tori Spelling to be a terrible actress. She's dead set on becoming an even worse author, as well.

The former Beverly Hills, 90210 star and husband Dean McDermott are getting ready for an Oxygen network reality show that no one will watch, but that's not enough for portrayer of Donna Martin. A memoir is in the works.
Simon & Schuster will publish the book, which promises to be almost as interesting as brewing tea will be for Kate Middleton. Spelling told USA Today that she'll probably enlist the help of a ghostwriter to spice up such stories as her first sexual experience with David Silver.

Meanwhile, Tori has yet to inform her family, with whom she's had a tense relationship, about the book, hoping it "doesn't cause any more damage."

You mean more than already exists between her and her mother, Candy Spelling? The pair has clashed ever since patriarch, Aaron, passed away and left nary $1 million for his daughter.

"I wish things were different. My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship," Spelling said. "There has always been love, and I don't doubt now that there's love."

That's always important, to not doubt there's love between yourself and your mother. We get the feeling Jayden James Federline may be wondering about that now that mommy appears to embrace going commando more than she does going home.

As for the memoir, Spelling says she wants to talk about plastic surgery ("I basically want to lay it out in my terms"), past relationships ("I want to clear up that I was never in a physically abusive relationship, but verbal abuse is just as detrimental"), and her treatment in her father's last will and testament.

We don't care about any of it.