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We used to think the Olsen Twins would turn out alright. Okay, that's not true. But we had no idea they would devolve quite this hard. Once a cute pair of child stars, they've been stripped of all that is human, courtesy of a long and hard Hollywood upbringing - and probably a fair share of mind-altering drugs. Now the zombie cyborg freaks are out for blood.

Mary-Kate Olsen of Weeds

Seriously, don't they scare you? They look robotic, more machine than woman, more terrifying than attractive. Ashley Olsen has bigger problems than being on PETA's $h!t list, and Mary-Kate Olsen can forget about parking tickets or losing all her men to the Hilton sisters (speaking of which, wonder how good ol' David Katzenberg is doing these days). They've officially lost their minds.

If you love your children, hide them from the undead. Do so now. These chicks are dangerous. On the plus side, at least zombies get hungry, unlike Nicole Richie.

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They've gone through some rocky times - are they divorced? are they not divorced? - but Matt Lauer and his wife, Annette, are now happy and healthy ... with a new born baby at home.

Matt, Annette Lauer

The couple's third child, a son named Thijs, was born earlier today.

"The baby was born this morning at 9:37 a.m. in New York City. He weighed 7 lbs., 4 oz.," Today spokesperson Megan Kopf said. "Mom, Dad and baby are all doing well."

The baby's unusual name - pronounced "Tice" - is a shortened form of Matthijs, which is Dutch for Matthew. No, it doesn't make sense for us, either. How normal does Jayden James Federline sound now?

"Annette is Dutch and in following with her heritage, the baby was given a Dutch name," said a source. Or maybe we should say, "a thsource."

Thijs joins brother Jack, 5, and sister Romy, 3. Despite the name mockery, we are very happy for Lauer and the Mrs. We hope they're as happy as Petra Nemcova and James Blunt.

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Hey, Shanna Moakler threw a divorce party recently.

So doesn't it make even more sense to gather friends and family together in celebration of the fact that her and Travis Barker didn't kill each other over dinner last night?

Pic of Shanna Moakler

The cantankerous former couple met at Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills. We don't know exactly what was discussed - aside from whether or not Paris Hilton actually has herpes - but you can see them here smiling after the meal.

Actually, only Shanna is smiling. Travis is pulling out a dollar bill. Looks like he will be seeing Paris later that night.

Anyway. Enough with the Paris Hilton-is-a-raging-dirty-prostitute jokes. The point is that the staff of The Hollywood Gossip is glad to see these kids making up. Maybe there's still hope for Rachel Zoe and Nicole Richie.

Or Michael Richards and black people.

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Look, just because Hilary Duff and Joel Madden are no longer together, that doesn't mean other couples aren't basking in each other's glow.

Petra Nemcova, for example, is sick of rumors that she isn't happy with wimpy singer, James Blunt. She told People magazine: "We're very much in love."

Petra Nemcova and Jamie Belman

You can't be any more, yes, blunt than that.

Nemcova and Blunt, 32, showed a united front when they hit L.A.'s Hyde Lounge together hand-in-hand last week. They may have seen Jessica Biel, Derek Jeter and every other celebrity there. The model and singer met in December 2005 and started dating earlier this year.

Rumors circulated recently that they'd split â€" with some even speculating that Nemcova had hooked up with hip-hop mogul and fellow activist Russell Simmons.

But "we never got separated. There was some stuff going on in the press, but it didn't come from a right source â€" obviously," Nemcova said.

Blunt will appear in Nemcova's upcoming charity book project, Colors of Love, which will feature photos of firefighters, doctors and others, including such celebrities as Bruce Willis, Lance Armstrong and Eva Mendes, all talking about the charities they support.

"It's about inspiring people to get involved in different causes and different charities," Nemcova said of the book.

When asked to comment, Blunt just said "you're beautiful" six dozen times in a row. We assume he was referring to Nemcova. He certainly wasn't talking about Nicole Richie or Ashley Olsen.

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The good news for Hilary Duff is that she no longer has a stalker (and, apparently, Bob Uecker never did; just for the record).

The bad news is that the young singer/actress also doesn't have a boyfriend.

Hilary's Feline Frenzy

Duff and Joel Madden are no longer dating, as confirmed by Madden during a guest DJ appearance at a club in Chicago over the weekend. The rocker talked about being single, telling clubgoers that Duff had broken up with him ten days earlier.

The reason? We doubt it was Duff's new goth look, although if you see her dating either of the Olsen Twins, now you'll know why.

In reality, it was Duff and Madden's age difference (he's 27, she's 19) that caused problems. Sadly, this doesn't bode well for Wilmer Valderrama and Ali Lohan.

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Her princess title will have to wait, but Jennifer Wilson got her prince on The Bachelor.

That's right, Lorenzo Borghese somehow chose ditzy Jen over the far superior Sadie Murray on Monday's two-hour finale.

Jason Mesnick, DeAnna Pappas Photo

"I came here for one reason and that was in search for love," the 34-year-old Manhattanite and Italian noble family member told Jennifer as he informed her of his decision during the reality TV show's final rose ceremony. "I didn't want 25 women, I wanted one."

"Oh my god!," the giddy 24-year-old eighth grade teacher from Pembroke Pines, Fla., replied, as our staff members vowed to stick to Laguna Beach for our reality fix from now on.

However, Lorenzo didn't propose, or even attempt to present his network-supplied engagement ring to Jennifer as a "promise ring." No one needs to get married these days - just ask Brangelina. Instead, he presented the Florida teacher with an offer to leave the "Garden of Eden" and "take it on" with him in New York.

After meeting with both fathers, Lorenzo had his final one-on-one dates with Jennifer (below, left) and Sadie (below, right), setting the stage for the final ceremony in which each woman arrived separately learn of his decision. Sadie arrived first and, following some brief praise of her, Lorenzo cut right to his decision.

"In your wish list, you said 'I want to be with a guy that can't fathom to be with another woman' ... the truth is that there is another woman here and at this point I would rather be with her," Lorenzo told the 23-year-old from San Diego. "I don't know what else to say, Sadie."

THG NOTE: He could have invited Britney Spears to accept his ring instead, but that would have been against the show's rules.

Sadie, a classy, spunky, composed and virginal cutie, initially took the news well.

"I'm grateful for everything and thank you, really, thank you... I'm not good but I will be, I'm fine," she said.

But as the conversation continued, Sadie began to get more emotional.

"I just don't know why I did this... I feel so foolish... I thought it was real," Sadie lamented.

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Nicole Richie (right) has more to deal with than the fallout from axing Rachel Zoe or denying that she has a plethora of eating disorders: PETA has just named her the world's worst-dressed celeb.

"This pelt-wearing party girl is all animal skin and bones," the animal rights group says of Nicole Richie. "She's an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match."

A Nicole Richie Image

Wow. We never thought we'd say this, but here goes: Well said, PETA!

Crazy, possibly-Satanic Ashley Olsen was named the runner-up.

"Wearing fur does add 20 pounds," PETA says, "but if Ashley wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead."

The celebs set 'em up, and PETA knocks 'em down, ladies and gentlemen!

Eva Longoria also made the worst dressed list, just beneath the lesser-known one of the Olsen Twins, to which PETA opines, "You'd think she'd be more sympathetic to the plight of rabbits considering the way she screws like one on Wisteria Lane."

Oh, snap! Someone cool PETA off, because they're on fire!

Nicole's BFF, Paris Hilton, may have herpes, but she was let off the hook by PETA this year (after topping last year's list) because she stopped wearing furs after seeing a grisly PETA video about the industry. But a spokesman says they're still taking a "wait and see" attitude before asking Paris to become a PETA "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" model.

Pamela Anderson is one of those models. She announced yesterday that she is divorcing Kid Rock, to the surprise of absolutely no one.

Hopefully, PETA asks Britney Spears to participate. She certainly shouldn't have a problem with eschewing fur - or almost all clothing, come to think of it. Man. Just look at this pic!

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We hope Kate Hudson has enjoyed her brief time as an officially single woman.

Because it may already be coming to an end.

K-Huddled Up

The actress' rumored boyfriend, Owen Wilson, was spotted ring shopping with his mother at the Harry Winston store at the Highland Park Mall in Dallas on Friday.

"They were looking at a huge, pear-shaped, flawless diamond engagement ring," a witness told Page Six.

Then again, it may have actually been Ellen DeGeneres and not Wilson. It's hard to tell.

As most fans know by now, Owen and Hudson fell in love filming You, Me and Dupree last year; Hudson, 27, soon separated from her hubby of nearly six years, rocker Chris Robinson, 39.

A rep for Wilson confirmed the shopping trip to the New York Post, but insisted: "Owen's mother was looking for jewelry for herself."

Sure, we'll believe that as soon as we believe Michael Richards is not a raving, racist lunatic.

Meanwhile, Hudson, who has a son Ryder, 2, with Robinson, is currently in Australia filming Fool's Gold with Matthew McConaughey.

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T.H. Gossip is proud to bring you a statistical update on Kevin Federline's much-anticipated (and hated) debut album, Playing With Fire, which has sold fewer than 2,000 copies to date.

Awesome work. Here's how K-Fed's album sales shake out, in relative terms:

Golf Fiend
  • Approximately 31 million fewer than his estranged wife, Britney Spears, has sold over the course of her career.
  • Approximately 8 million fewer than Ashlee Simpson's career sales.
  • Approximately 500,000 fewer than Paris Hilton's debut CD sold.

Yes, he's getting absolutely massacred by his wife and two hoes who can't sing - one of whom actually doesn't even sing on her own records or in person. That's not a good sign for Kev's music career. Or for humanity, seeing that 8 million people actually exchanged currency for a f*%king Ashlee Simpson album. You know who you are. Get help.

Yet he keeps trying, you have to give him that. Over the weekend, K-Fed graced the Las Vegas hotspot TAO with an entourage that rolled 10 deep. This collection of losers including his brother Chris Federline (above), his bodyguard, Leor the Jeweler, and others.

While K-Fed's impending divorce is surely weighing on his (small) mind, Chris gave him an affectionate hug to show suppor. Perhaps C-Fed was just making sure nothing happened to the four-karat diamond earrings K sported. Watch for those things on eBay soon, losers!

Sources say that the studiously un-thugged-out Federline had some dinner before heading up to a VIP lounge to take in the atmosphere. As far as how the hell Kevin Federline qualifies as any sort of VIP at this point, we can't say. Enjoy it while it lasts, you douche.

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Stylist Rachel Zoe has come out swinging - most likely with brittle, weak and ineffectual fists - against reports that she was fired by quote-unquote actress Nicole Richie.

A Nicole Richie Image

Rachel has issued the following statement to our friends at TMZ:

"There has been a lot of speculation as to the cause of my parting with client Nicole Richie. The tabloid reports have no merit. After trying to be a good friend to Nicole, we made a mutual decision to sever our working relationship."

"Changes are inevitable in any business relationship. I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful life, I have been married for 10 years and have been a stylist for more than 15 years and am lucky to work with such a diverse group of women of all shapes and sizes that inspire me everyday. I have nothing but love for Nicole and wish her only health and happiness."

Health? Not gonna happen. Not with 12 eating disorders, babe!

Sources say that Rachel, who had worked with Nicole (as well as Lindsay Lohan and other skanks) for years, had become increasingly unhappy with bad choices Nicole was making in her life, and simply wanted to be finished with the whole thing. Of course, sources also say that Nicole axed the Zoemeister because she was responsible for a lot of those bad choices. So who the f*%k knows!?

When asked to elaborate further about "being a good friend to Nicole," or the status of Nicole Richie's breasts, Rachel's rep refused comment.

A rep for Nicole could not be immediately reached. Most likely because said rep and said Nicole were out gorging themselves on Thanksgiving leftovers. Oh wait, no.

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