As Entertainment Weekly so accurately observes, someone with an advanced anthropology degree has to explain to us the dating and mating habits of the teenagers of Laguna Beach.
T.H. Gossip simply can't understand the romantic behavior exhibited on this episode, even by Laguna Beach standards. Last night we were treated to the kids' traditional spring-break migration to Cabo San Lucas.
Right. Because every high schooler parties in Cabo for Spring Break. Who are these people?
Even though Cami warned Kyndra that her older ex, Tyler, was probably going to ruin their trip, Kyndra devoted her entire vacation to him. First, she laid into Tyler when he called her and her friends "stage-five cling-ons" for being in the same hotel as him.
THG MEMO TO TYLER: You're the one hanging around with high-school kids, you dumbass. And what supposedly cool college kid goes on spring break with his sister and his mom? Get a clue!
Later, in a nightclub, Kyndra flirted with her one-time hook-up, Cameron, reminding him that they were now both single. Tyler, enraged, screamed at her, "You're a f---ing slut!" Those, apparently, were the magic words that unlocked her heart, because she almost instantly started macking it with Tyler, reminding him of their happier, less annoying days.
They made out on the dance floor. Cameron looked on in disgust.
The next night, Kyndra was astonished to learn that Tyler was at the same nightclub as her and getting his freak with another blonde.
It's unclear whether she was shouting, "Slut! Slut!" at her ex or her ex's new blonde friend, but she was definitely pissed.
As Cami put it later, "That was by far the most bad trip, Cabo trip, we've ever been on before."
Dear God, she sucks.
Sluttiness was definitely the episode's unifying theme. While preparing for her vacation, Breanna Conrad, the less-cute and slightly-pathetic sister of Lauren Conrad, admitted she was planning to kiss Derek, even though he had only just broken up with Tessa.
When her friend Kylie pointed out that rebound kissing was illegal under Laguna Beach's dating bylaws, Breanna's mom chimed in: "I think that's a stupid rule. Once you're broken up, you're broken up, and free game."
Breanna's mom, who happened to overhear this, echoed her younger daughter's sentiment. After all, what mom doesn't encourage their high school kids to hook up with guys at every possible moment?
Kyndra was having none of this, however. When Breanna and Derek did finally kiss in Cabo, Kyndra and her friends shouted -- wait for it -- "Slut!"
Evidently, in Laguna Beach, once two people kiss, they're supposed to be paired off for life. That would seem to be fine by Tessa Keller, who is still clinging to the hope that she can get back together with Derek, her one-date wonder. Chase didn't help when he said that Derek would probably come back from Cabo and tell her he missed her.
Perhaps the highlight of the night was when a drunk Breanna tried to get Kelan (he of absolutely no balls) and Lexie to hook up. Lexie just stared off into space, snapping her gum as if acknowledging LC's sister were so far beneath her, and as if she were emitting some sort of loser-protectant gas. To say the least, it was choice.
When Tessa finally joins Doormats Anonymous, which should be sometime in December at this rate, the first thing they're going to tell her to do is stop talking to Chase. Speaking of Tessa, she and Rocky were absent for almost the entire show, visiting her family in Virginia. That is so weak. We love Rocky!