Below, Bill's better, funnier half takes aim at ABC's The Bachelor, along with one of Hollywood's most talked-about foxes, Kristin Cavallari...
I can't watch The Bachelor anymore because they keep selecting guys who shouldn't need a reality show to find a wife.
I liked the first two seasons when they were just nice-looking guys who had normal jobs and seemed normal.
Now the bachelors come on to become famous; they don't care about finding a soul mate. They want to break up with whoever they picked in the Final Rose episode and hook up with Kristin Cavallari at a Sunset Strip club the next week.
It's so easy to see through them. Like, this year's Bachelor is a rich Italian prince (Lorenzo Borghese) who can't speak Italian and went to Rollins College. It's like Joe Millionaire, only without the twist at the end. Why would I root for a fake prince to fall in love?
Instead of picking princes and quarterbacks, I think ABC should go in the other direction. My friend Melissa thinks we have hot homeless guys out here in L.A.; she calls them "the hot homeless."
We can't figure out why there are so many good-looking ones. Maybe they're failed actors, I don't know. But since it's practically hopeless for single women over 30 in L.A., Melissa thinks they'd have a better chance by taking in a hot homeless guy, cleaning him up, getting him a job and trying to turn his life around.
I agree. I'd like to see ABC pick a hot homeless guy as the next Bachelor. They could clean him up and introduce him to 25 girls at once. His whole life could change, right? Although he'd probably fall for three of them at the same time, settle on the slut with the biggest rack, give her a promise ring, then dump her the next week to hook up with Cavallari.
Forget it, this could never work.