O.J. Simpson has confessed.
Hypothetically, that is.
The former football great, who was acquitted in criminal court 11 years ago of killing his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman, reportedly has been paid a whopping $3.5 million to write about the double murder that shocked and riveted the nation in 1994, according to MSNBC.
But Simpson is not actually confessing to the murder, people. Oh no.
He's writing a "hypothetical" book -- one tentatively being called If I Did It.
THG NOTE: This is akin to Anna Nicole Smith authoring a memoir called If I Married a 90-Year Old Billionaire, Then Sold The Last Living Pics of My Dead Son For More Money, or to a lesser degree, Lindsay Lohan writing a tell-all book called If Those 386 Guys Boned Me.
Simpson, who is probably one of the worst people alive not named Kim Jong Il, seeing as he brutally murdered two humans and now stands to profit off of it, talks early on about how he fell in love with Nicole and how the marriage collapsed.
The only member of the NFL's 2,000-yard single-season rushing club to also slash the throats of other people goes on to describe in gruesome detail the killing of his ex-wife and Goldman -- stipulating that the murder scenes are "hypothetical."
Yet the descriptions are reportedly so detailed and so realistic that readers are left with little doubt as to what really happened.
Because of double jeopardy laws, O.J. Simpson can never be tried for the murders again. But was later ordered to pay over $30 million after being convicted in a wrongful death civil suit.
The victims' families can't have his six-figure annual NFL pension plan, of course -- and Orenthal plans to spend the earnings from this new book quickly, MSNBC reports, so those greedy bastards can't touch that either!
Wow. And we thought Mel Gibson had issues. Buy some nice summer clothes with those book royalties, Juice -- we hear hell is pretty damn hot.