Nude Marcia Cross Pictures Next in Line for Sex Tape Purveyor, Sick, Pathetic Bastard

First, the Dustin Diamond sex tape rocked everyone's innocent, Screech-like world.

Now, the man responsible for publicizing such sordid behavior is back - and he's got nude Marica Cross photos to show off.

Indeed, Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt claims he has naked photos of the Desperate Housewives star.

Of course, he also claims he has a life, but it's based on such information as the red-haired actress' "carpet does match the curtains."

While this would mean Lindsay Lohan has competition for the Firecrotch team captain, it also means Schmidt is a complete loser.

The waste of space says he is representing the owner of a garbage hauling firm that found over 200 personal pictures of Cross - including her showering in the buff outside - in her garbage. Even though the actress is demanding their return, arguing that they are the copyrighted property of her and her husband, Tom Mahoney, porn king Schmidt says that the pictures "were not stolen."

"When you throw something away, you forfeit that property," he said.

Of course, Schmidt is not all a bad guy. He claims he also has the actress' tax returns, but "out of respect for Ms. Cross," won't discuss how much she makes.

That's sweet. Out of respect for our younger audience, we won't refer to Schmidt but all the names we'd like to. But we will say he makes Stavros Niarchos seem like an important part of society.