Meet Lindsay Lohan, Stand Up Comic: Wants a Husband and an Oscar

For a well-known harlot and awful actress, Lindsay Lohan has lofty goals.

"I want to get married before I'm 30. And have my house. And make the kind of record I want. And I'd like to win an Oscar before then," the Bobby actress says in the November issue of InStyle.

The Hollywood Gossip, meanwhile, would like a Pulitzer Prize and to make sweet, passionate love to Jessica Alba.

Lohan then rattled on with a series of untrue, unrelated thoughts:

"Owning a house will make me very proud. I need a place to call home, to feel it's mine. I love to cook. My grandmother is Italian. I'm pretty practical. I'm a very domestic person."

It's true. We always mistake Lohan for Rachael Ray or Martha Stewart.

The actress kept up the comedy routine from there, saying she is simply too nice and is going out less since she was hospitalized for exhaustion.

"I tried to please my friend and I ended up getting sick," Lindsay said in regard to that incident. "It's about learning to say no more than yes. I'm a people-pleaser. But you can't always make everyone happy."

Again, she's right. Look how unhappy this dude being pleased by Lohan looks.

Of course, the spokeswoman for firecrotches everywhere most recently dated restaurateur Harry Morton, who said last month they're taking a "breather."

But "he's my friend, which is important," Lohan profoundly stated.

In an obvious slap to Morton, however, along with approximately 2,971 other guys, Lindsay was asked to describe her best kiss and responded: "I don't know if I've had a best kiss yet …"

Rumer Willis was also offended by this.