The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity world that you might never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.
Last week, we broke down a three-way fight between Sean Penn, Sean Paul and Sean Preston Federline. Our current match-up features an ex-wife of one of the above. Can you guess who? This Tale of the Tape has actually been brewing for over 2,000 years. Or at least since we thought up this idea 10 minutes ago.
When a Pop Goddess takes on the central figure of Christianity, there's no telling what to expect. Yes, you read that correctly. Let's break down the battle between Madonna and Jesus:
Madonna: Queen of Pop
Jesus: Son of Man, King of Israel, the Messiah
2. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY
Madonna: Madonna is a Roman Catholic title for Mary, mother of Jesus
Jesus: Was conceived by Mary, possibly through the Holy Spirit
3. CRUCIFIX SYMBOLISM
Madonna: Uses to create buzz, sell records
Jesus: Used to redeem sins of mortals; Later was used to spread, promote Christianity across Earth for centuries
4. MUSICAL LEGACY
Madonna: The most successful female recording artist of all time, having sold over 200 million albums worldwide
Jesus: Has spawned a tremendous number of songs, gospel choirs, and rock bands, although most of them just aren't that good
5. MEMORABLE QUOTES
Madonna: "Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there."
Jesus: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."
6. MOST STUNNING MOMENT
Madonna: Gave Britney Spears an open-mouthed kiss at the VMAs
Jesus: Walked on water, healed a cripple, rose from the dead
Madonna: Raised Catholic in Italian-American household, now practices Kabbalah, an esoteric form of Jewish mysticism
Jesus: Come on
8. LITERARY IMPACT
Madonna: Her 1992 book, Sex, created huge publicity at the time of its release, but was not all that big a success
Jesus: The Bible is the world's most popular book
9. BLASPHEMY ACCUSATIONS
Madonna: Was accused of blasphemy against the Catholic Church by Pope John Paul II; "Like a Prayer" video, which featured a mixture of Catholic symbolism and eroticism, was banned by the Vatican
Jesus: Was condemned for blasphemy by high priests and eventually killed for claiming to be King of the Jews
10. DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK
Madonna: Never far from the limelight, Madonna looks poised to continue rocking out and making a spectacle of herself well past age 50
Jesus: Scripture holds that at an undetermined point in the world's history, the resurrected Christ will fulfill the rest of the Messianic prophecy
THE VERDICT: Sorry, Madonna. Impressive as your musical achievements are, you just can't hang with the big J.C., who takes this one easily, 7-3.