Tale of the Tape: Madonna vs. Jesus

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The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity world that you might never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.

Last week, we broke down a three-way fight between Sean Penn, Sean Paul and Sean Preston Federline. Our current match-up features an ex-wife of one of the above. Can you guess who? This Tale of the Tape has actually been brewing for over 2,000 years. Or at least since we thought up this idea 10 minutes ago.

Madonna at Vanity Fair After Party

When a Pop Goddess takes on the central figure of Christianity, there's no telling what to expect. Yes, you read that correctly. Let's break down the battle between Madonna and Jesus:

1. NICKNAME(S)

Madonna: Queen of Pop
Jesus: Son of Man, King of Israel, the Messiah
Edge: Jesus

2. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY

Madonna: Madonna is a Roman Catholic title for Mary, mother of Jesus
Jesus: Was conceived by Mary, possibly through the Holy Spirit
Edge: Even

3. CRUCIFIX SYMBOLISM

Madonna: Uses to create buzz, sell records
Jesus: Used to redeem sins of mortals; Later was used to spread, promote Christianity across Earth for centuries
Edge: Jesus

4. MUSICAL LEGACY

Madonna: The most successful female recording artist of all time, having sold over 200 million albums worldwide
Jesus: Has spawned a tremendous number of songs, gospel choirs, and rock bands, although most of them just aren't that good
Edge: Madonna

5. MEMORABLE QUOTES

Madonna: "Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there."
Jesus: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."
Edge: Jesus

6. MOST STUNNING MOMENT

Madonna: Gave Britney Spears an open-mouthed kiss at the VMAs
Jesus: Walked on water, healed a cripple, rose from the dead
Edge: Madonna

7. FAITH

Madonna: Raised Catholic in Italian-American household, now practices Kabbalah, an esoteric form of Jewish mysticism
Jesus: Come on
Edge: Jesus

8. LITERARY IMPACT

Madonna: Her 1992 book, Sex, created huge publicity at the time of its release, but was not all that big a success
Jesus: The Bible is the world's most popular book
Edge: Jesus

9. BLASPHEMY ACCUSATIONS

Madonna: Was accused of blasphemy against the Catholic Church by Pope John Paul II; "Like a Prayer" video, which featured a mixture of Catholic symbolism and eroticism, was banned by the Vatican
Jesus: Was condemned for blasphemy by high priests and eventually killed for claiming to be King of the Jews
Edge: Even

10. DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK

Madonna: Never far from the limelight, Madonna looks poised to continue rocking out and making a spectacle of herself well past age 50
Jesus: Scripture holds that at an undetermined point in the world's history, the resurrected Christ will fulfill the rest of the Messianic prophecy
Edge: Jesus

THE VERDICT: Sorry, Madonna. Impressive as your musical achievements are, you just can't hang with the big J.C., who takes this one easily, 7-3.

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Truth is that Jesus IS romantically linked with Madonna. He even put her up to the hanging on the cross. Just ask Buddha for the truth or the Dalai Lama. Jesus often shows other higher powers of light what it is like to be Madonna...porn and all. The sad and sickening truth and too much for this one catholic to take. Sounds too much like idol worship to me. Just check in with Angelina Jolie and the fact that Mother Mary covets her...sad but true.

Madonna Biography

Best. Kiss. Ever. Madonna, a.k.a. The Material Girl, is still going strong even as she nears 50. She's also adopting babies and speaking with a British... More »
Born
Full Name
Madonna

Madonna Quotes

Leave her alone. She’s gonna be 16 soon and then 17 and then 18, and then she might show her knees and then what's gonna happen?

Madonna [on Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair photos]

My husband and I are not planning on getting a divorce. I know Alex Rodriguez through Guy Oseary, who manages both of us. I brought my kids to a Yankee game. I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study.

Madonna