There's no relationship with Jessica Simpson.

That may be the first thing John Mayer wishes to pass along in an interview. But it certainly isn't the last. In a great interview with Rolling Stone, the quiet crooner reveals a sex and drug-riffic side of him not many knew existed.

On porn:
"I bought myself a Playgirl once. I just loved the feeling that there was a porno you really, really weren't supposed to have … Not to say I wouldn't enjoy the energy of watching a guy and girl have sex. I think I'd vomit out of pure arousal. Have you ever seen a guy and girl have sex in person?"

On press interviews:
"I'm at a point right now where the more I talk, the more I'm going to say something in the next twelve months that's going to damage my career."

On Brangelina:
"Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a bl-w j-b, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left â€" just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow saying, ‘You greedy motherf-cker, I've got nothing for you.'"

(Gossip note: We never thought of it that way. At all.)

On being on tour:
"I slept with, like, three girls a week."

On his private parts:
"I'm not worried about how small my penis is â€" I'm worried about how dark it is. I have a Dominican penis. My penis hit six home runs last year; my penis wears shoes without socks."

On the media:
"Everybody right now in the world of entertainment is a p-ssy. A p-ssy. They're all so sensitive. What the f-ck happened?"

We don't know how to response to any of this. So we're just gonna comment on this Jessica Biel picture instead. Her body is a wonderland.