Dear Lindsay Lohan: Put God First - Love, Dad

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Apparently the father of Lindsay Lohan reads The Hollywood Gossip in jail.

Lindsay Lohan Coachella Photo

What else would inspire Michael to pen his deranged daughter a letter? Submitted to London's The Sun, Mr. Lohan must've figured that the recent dumping by Harry Morton - as well as the befriending of Paris Hilton, which could actually be worse than anyting - made this an ideal time to get in touch with his off spring.

Via an absurd, hilarious, rambling letter, of course. Here it is:

"It pains me to have to write to you like this, but it's evident that my letters never reach you. My messages never get to you and ‘people' continue to build walls between us.

"I can't even begin to tell you how very sorry I am for causing you (and our family) the heartache and embarrassment I have. (THG NOTE: The White Oprah may have something to do with said embarrassment).

"I hold you absolutely blameless for all that's been said and portrayed, as I know it has been under the advice of others, to sway both the courts and public opinion.

"I also know the pain that comes with love, especially when two hearts and lives are divided. Sometimes we run - we seek to hide or just escape from the pain.

In the meantime, people are either whispering in our ear, giving self-serving advice, or out to protect their own interests.

"Unfortunately sweetheart, while you are so talented and blessed you have become their interest! As I told you all along, this would happen.

"You are an amazingly blessed, talented, intelligent and loving person. Use it to do good! To set an example by putting God and his principles first. Your love for life and people is a gift. (THG NOTE: God ... or Madonna?)

"I trust you, I believe in you and I will love and protect you until my dying breath, and if that's what it takes so be it!

Please know how much I miss all of you. Stay strong my Angel! God bless you and stay strong!"

Wow. Crazy Joe Simpson would be proud, Mike. Write to us soon.

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Miss Lohan i know what you are going through trust me i've been there.People always put you down but they don't see the good that we do.You are doing your best to be the best and people will not let you accomplish that. We look for friends and we find enemies but we should hang in there anyway it will get better.Till next time have a drink for me and i will have a drink for you i promise. BILL. P.S. I truly believe you did not steal that necklace.