Shocker! Paris Hilton Album Not Selling Well

Forget STDs for a moment, Paris Hilton has bigger, less itchy problems.

Despite a series of hype and promotion that seemed to go on all summer, the album "Paris" had a dismal first week, with just 75,000 copies sold in the United States. It's projected to sell a measly 30,000 in its second week.

We don't understand why. Hilton herself loved it, after all.

Aside from her sheer lack of talent, insiders blame the terrible sales on Paris' refusal to go on tour in support of the CD. As the album is hovering near the basement of Billboard's Hot 100 - and we toast the result in glee - Hilton's record label has rushed out a second single called "Turn It Up." It's being turned down on the charts, as well.

"The international people are not inclined to do a big push since she can't back up the album with a tour. Obviously, she can't sing live," said a music expert.

Naturally, Elliot Mintz - Hilton's PR rep and the man with the hardest job in entertainment - responded: "To me, [the album] sounds huge. For a newcomer, this is incredibly impressive."

Sounding huge is a good thing? Perhaps Paris should just stick to karaoke, American Idol style. And disappear from the face of the earth.