A Special Interview with a Distraught Paris Hilton

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Yesterday, TMZ.com had the good fortune - or awful, awful fortune - of sitting down with Paris Hilton and discussing a few of the posts fans haters have left for her on that website.

Harvey Levin had the dishonor of such an assignment. Before we get into the heartfelt phony responses from Hilton, let's look over some of the feelings users have expressed about this hideous human being, those that Paris refers to as "mean and sadistic" and The Gossip refers to as "hilarious and spot-on":

Sad Paris
  • "Paris is just an overused human condom."
  • "Paris is like a fart in a mitten. You know it's there, you can't stand it, but you can't get rid of it."
  • "Would you please drop over dead or commit suicide you damn slut?"

Hilton had a simple, completely false reply: "I'm far less promiscuous than any of my friends."

We know what you're thinking, guys:where can we meet these friends?

As for the infamous sex tape with ex-lover Rick Solomon, Hilton said "I'm judged because of something that an ex-boyfriend did to me. I'm not a slut at all."

Got that?!? Those royalties she received in exchange for not pursuing a lawsuit - and the fact that it made her well-known in the first place - are nothing compared to the false image of this innocent soul as a home-wrecking whore.

Overall, Hilton says that many of the TMZ comments are "very hurtful" to her and that some make her cry. She says "They think I don't have any feelings."

We think readers of The Gossip can do better with their insults. Let's hear it, people!

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It's going to beat "overused human condom." How graphic and accurate. If she is far less promiscuous than any of her friends, are all of her friends high-priced call girls? What a f--king skank.